HOW TO DO YOUR 20S "RIGHT"

A deadly serious, not-at-all-satire guide to surviving - no THRIVING - in your 20s

Step 1. Be fun, flirty and fierce

Being in your 20s is all about getting out there. Meeting all the people there are to meet. Dazzling them with your wit and charm. Think somewhere between Sex & the City and Girls. Chaotic and witty but always dressed to impress. You never know who you'll meet!

Step 2. Say yes to everything. That means EVERYTHING.

Drinks on a Tuesday? I’m in! Networking opportunity? How could I say no?! Come to my party on the other side of the city? Of course, girl! You’re only 27 once!?! What’s a 3 hour round trip anyway? I’ll just read my book… Oh wait, where did I…

Step 3. Don’t forget to hustle!

Your 20s are all about the grind babes. Make sure to pack every waking minute with PRO-DUC-TIV-I-TY! I don’t wanna see you slacking! Think about your future girl! Make sure you are working up that ladder! But also don’t forget your SIDE HUSTLE! Keep up babesssss. Passive income is all the rage right now? Working for money? HA. 

Step 4. Start thinking about settling down

Now, you don’t want to be a spinster! You’re nearly 30! Don’t you know that your desirability drops by like 100% once you get into the three o’s. Come on now, find yourself a nice, secure, ideally rich partner to tuck up in bed with.

Step 5. Get back out there!

Woah! Did I say settle down? Ha! Noooo we’re over that! Get out there! Monogamy is so last century. Think of all the experiences you’re missing out on! You don’t want to be tied down NOW do you? Your 20s are the BEST YEArs Of YoUR Life! Think of all the sex you might miss out on if you pick “the one”!? YEESH! Let’s get on the apps. Wait, nevermind, apps are gross! Let’s go out to a barrrrrr! That’s where the all REallY hot rEAlLY real people are! We’re all about authentic in-person interactions here! Excuse me! Sorry! Ugh, it's so crowded in here! 

Step 6. Protect your peace

Now, while you’re out there being you’re hot, fierce self, going on dates, looking for the right one, but not SETTLING DOWN, hustlingggg and climbing up that ladder, MAKE SURE TO REST! I’m talking SELF-CARE babes. S-E-L-F CARE. I’m thinking face maskssss, laying in bed staring at the ceiling for some self-regulation, candle-lit bathssss. Let’s get zen in here!

Step 7. Don’t forget to look after that hot bod!

Get down to the gym! OR PILATES! ACTUALLY scratch THAT - join a run club! Running is BACK! It was kinda over for a hot minute, but you knowww after the marathon we’re sO BAcK BAbY! Come on!! Get a move on!! In FACT! Why don’t we RUN to the bar? We’re talking efficiency! No rest for the wicked ladies! We want that Pixar mom, cocaine chic, curvacious, itty-bitty-titty-committee, big booby, thick thighs, love-yourself-at-any-size, skinny legend, slim-thick, body-ody-ody…

Step 8. Expand your mind!

It’s not all about looks you know! Intellectualatiness is IN. You better be reading up on it all. I’m talking politics, history, the classics. What if you’re out doing your hot, networking, dating thingggg and someone asks you a question and you don’t know the answer!!! TRAGEDY! HORROR! Uh-uhhhhhh. Not on my watch diva! Let’s book in a study-session right now! I have some time between 4:15 and 4:23 on Saturday the 23rd of…

Step 9. Relax girl!

Now this all Might SOUND like a lot, but you have GOT THIS. RELAXxX gIRL. We’re all doing it! You’ll manage just fine?!! Let’s take some DeEEEeep breaths. Innnnn. And OuttttTt. That’s itttt! InNNNnnn and OuUTTttttt. INNnNN and OUTTTTT. Woah I’m starting to feel a bit light-headed! INnNnNNNN and ….

Side effects may include burnout, strained relationships, insomnia, breakouts, dehydration, missed periods, disillusionment, weight loss, weightgain, moodswings, self-doubt, depression, anxiety and DEATH.